You know those times, when you tell someone something and they don’t
get it? So you tell them again. and sometime again. And they still
don’t get it. Who has the problem? You or them?
I hope by now that you’re realising that it’s you. They don’t have a
problem, they don’t get it (oh. and by the way, that’s their problem!)
Communication is NOT telling. Communication often involves talking,
but it is a two-way process – it requires listening and observing as
well. You explain something in such a manner that the receiver is able
to fully understand what it is that you are explaining.
Take, for example, your golf instructor. She explains how to improve
your swing, demonstrates the process and guides you, often physically
by straightening your elbow, pushing your hips, widening your stance
and so on. You continue this and slowly, gradually, as she sees that
you have ‘got it’, will tell and show, less and less. Now that is
communication. How well you continue to improve your swing is the
response you are giving to that communication. If you do not improve,
then the communication is lacking.
All of us have our own preferred ways of communicating. Some people
like to use pictures for example – we create pictures with words and
with our hands and bodies. Others prefer something more concrete – we
need to walk through the swing – feel it in our muscles. Others prefer
sound, and are quite happy for you to speak to them only. Others like
music in the background, or a beat to swing to. Some people like to
know what is possible, others prefer to know what is necessary. Some
people like to improve whilst others prefer to not be a bad player.
Each of us has a small armoury of ways in which we can communicate –
and it is our job to use that armoury, or toolset if you prefer, to the
best of our abilities. If the response you get is not the one that you
wanted, then it is your job to effectively communicate. Notice that in
English language, we are not ‘communicated at’.
We will look at communication in detail in the Outcome Based
communication chapter. For the moment, if you act as if the statement
“The meaning of communication is the response you get” is true – then
you will move from being at effect, to being at cause – and now you can
do something about it.
Let me show you another example, where our communication (or lack
thereof) is interpreted and causes an unexpected response. It’s to do
with something called ‘complex equivalence’ where X=Y.
He doesn’t buy me flowers anymore = He doesn’t love me anymore
The husband is completely at a loss – this is often silent
communication as well. He hasn’t got a clue what he’s done wrong (see
more complex equivalence going on ‘She’s not talking to me=I’ve done
something wrong’ (Although this is probably experience coming to the
fore.)
You’ll hear this quite frequently in suppositions about another
person… “He doesn’t care if he wins or loses”, “Really, why’s that?”
“Because he never loses his temper when he loses”. Therefore, Doesn’t
lose temper=doesn’t care. Tommy rot! I care deeply if I lose, doesn’t
mean that I have to lose my temper about it.
And, whilst we’re on the subject, Bending your club around a tree is
not a demonstration of how much you care passionately about making
mistakes, or missing shots – it simply shows a lack of control.
This attitude applies to self-talk as well. Remember earlier we
discussed how your unconscious self-talk in regard to your beliefs and
vision will manifest in your actions? If you communicate to yourself to
make sure that you do (not) hit the ball into the woods and the ball
goes beautifully into the trees… it is no more, and no less than the
response to your own internal communication. Why worry about
communicating with others if we can’t communicate with ourselves to get
what we want?
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