Lets move this away from you for a moment as I know this is
difficult for the virgin. Let’s say for the moment that your close
friend has a ‘wayward’ son. A teenager dressed in grubby jeans, a
haircut that suggests an alien stylist, colours that jar the eyes
running with the local mob of ne’er do wells. Your friend laments to
you that they are at their wits end and don’t know how to ‘get the boy
back on the right track’. You like the lad, and tell your friend that
you’ll ‘have a word’ and see if you can help in anyway.
Sometime later, you bump into the young lad and get chatting. The
lad, reluctantly at first, and then more fluently pours out his heart
to you – how his parent (your friend) is so controlling, so old-school,
such a … You are surprised, this can’t be the same person he’s talking
about… you tell him this.
Who’s got the right perception? Your friend, the son, or you? That’s
right. All of you! Three completely different perceptions of the same
situation and… they’re all correct! For the people holding the
perception.
Ask the police. 20 people are eye-witnesses to a car-accident. 20
statements are taken and there are 20 variations of exactly the same
event.
Ah, I hear you say – yes well, different viewpoints… Exactly. It’s what we perceive that is our reality.
Back to our peer group. If you perceive that they do not accept you,
do not connect with you. That is your reality. Can you change reality?
Of course, just change your perception of it and reality changes. I’m
not suggesting Ostrich-like behaviour and burying your head in the sand
(works for the Ostrich – have you ever seen an Ostrich hit a bad
drive?) I am suggesting that you can change your attitude by acting as
if it were true, and thence change reality.
Bob Nicoll, author of Remember the Ice shares a delightful variation on this attitude that he calls 'respectful elegance'. This takes the idea of respecting the other person's map of the world a powerful step further. We respect the person in an elegant way. This epitomizes giving respect gracefully, with panache, or as Bob says, a 'touch of class'. Respecting someone's view is powerful, doing so with elegance will raise your leadership character (in their eyes!) and bring the relationship to a new and higher and more productive level.
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